Mrs Stroke Bloke just walked in and asked what I was up to. It probably looked like I was idly eying a Joan Didion essay on self-respect. But I was hard at work. Honest. I’d already read articles on A Formula For Happiness, Why Some People Dislike Everything and Seven Thoughts That Are Bad For You.
— I gotta tell you: I’m going for something big here, but I think my reach is going to exceed my grasp on this one.
— Why not just do something goofy?
As it happens, I’m not going to write about something goofy today. Oh no. I’m going to talk about something deadly serious. A matter of life and death, no less. Something that may be on your mind right now.
Everyone’s aware, I should think, of that old claim that men think of sex once every seven seconds. That would be around 8,000 times a day. Or, about this often:
This “stat” has S-E-X! been debunked, of course. A study at Ohio State University last year looked into how often subjects thought about sex during the course of a S-E-X! day. That’s where thinking about sex means thinking about “intercourse, nudity, or something with erotic content, not just the S-E-X! word sex.”
Now that I’m thinking about sex — but not, right now, something with erotic content — I should do another experiment on The Brain Of Stroke Bloke. Except, instead of examining my internal chatter for the expression of thought at random intervals during the day, this time I would carry a golf tally counter in my pocket and click it each time I thought about sex. Then I could report back to y’all with the results.
But as the picture above illustrates, sex is dangerous. Inspired by the story of “a couple [who] plunged to their deaths after the window they were apparently having sex against fell through,” this week’s special guest publication, The Sun, shared some tragic tales of sexual misadventure last June. Or, if you prefer, The Sun’s Super Soar-Away Summer Sex-Death Stories. They ran from electrocution by nipple clamp to being crushed under a strip club piano to teenage carbon monoxide poisoning (band name, Friendoftheblogpaul) to death by 12-hour orgy bet to big cat sex death maul (worst Star Wars name ever) to balcony romp fall to chicken coop masturbation station to three million dollar fatality threesome.
Good friendsoftheblog will probably be aware that my stroke occurred in the course of vigorous night-time activity. It was interesting to find in Aneurysm Awareness meetings how many people popped their bubbles on weekend nights, though we didn’t discuss how often this happened during drug-fueled dance-crazed hamster-eating sexathons. But fortunately, science….
A 1999 study found that every year there are probably around 11,000 cases of sudden death during sex in America each year. During the soon-to-be-deceased person having sex, that is. I’m not necessarily blaming you. Unless you were having sex with them. While electrocuting his or her nipples. On a strip club piano.
So, keep at it, you lovely people. Particularly since there are many benefits to regular sex. As Nerve puts it, “[a] lot of wonderful things can come as a result of sex: reduced anxiety, a boosted immune system, the creation of Idris Elba.” According to that first link, it’ll also “make you happy [well, durr], sooth your pain, decrease neuroticism, and reduce prostate cancer risk.” Salon appends further reasons you might want to incorporate this type of recreation into your health regime:
- It’s legit exercise
- It makes you happier
- Notwithstanding everything above, it makes you live longer
- It prevents heart disease
- It reduces cancer risk
- It reduces stress
- It makes you feel better about yourself
- It maiks yoo smarturr
But what ever you do, don’t talk about it. That would be terribly unhealthy. Leave that thick, six-inch, comment box alone.