Category Archives: EU Referendum

Tusk

I haven’t written much on the blog recently that’s directly about Brexit. Partly, the reason is that I’m continually hearing news stories and vox pops and politicians and business leaders on the radio banging on about it and I’m thinking –

Why do I keep hearing about this? What has this got to do with me? Why does this affect anyone I know?

Then I remember and I’m absolutely furious.

But, hey. Brexit isn’t all bad…

[Read on to find out the good stuff. But first, check out the Apoplexy Tiny Letter]

Continue reading Tusk
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A Year In Review – Pt.1

Time is social. Harvests. Day and night. Diurnal clocks. Biorhythms and cycles. All that mushy wetware bio stuff I never learned but is real.

Long-suffering reader of the blog paul

The winter solstice was on Friday, and now we’re beginning the long dig out towards the long evenings of summer. So, as is traditional, let’s sit down in front of a big gold piano and reflect on the year.

Blap-Blap-Blap, beotches!
Yaas, Kween!

January (1)

As the annus horribilis that was 2018 dragged to an end, it seemed that 2019 could only be better. The Queen’s appeal that we put divisions behind us and simply make the best of what we had seemed like it was going to usher in an annus mirabilis as the newly refitted HMS Britannia prepared to begin its buccaneering voyage across an expectant world.

At home, Theresa May announced that she would be combining her passions of hiking and hating immigrants Doing Her Duty to the country by meeting the Hard-Working People of Our Precious Union™️ at the top of the highest peaks in each of Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

“Theresa, do you remember that lovely new visitors’ centre atop Mount Snowdon?”

After the unexpected cancellation of the Mays’ trip to Snowdonia in Wales, they set off for Ben Nevis in Scotland in traditional wear for the English visitor on a day trip to the Scottish mountains – Theresa in leopard-print kitten heel hiking boots, and Dishy Philip in his preferred Savile Row suit and hipster glasses. As May Maynia gripped the country, enthusiastic Scots began their trek up the mountain…

January (2)

After the disappearance of the Mays in Glen Nevis, another popular favourite had to take to the House of Commons to announce the delay of the Meaningful Vote on the outcome of the UK’s Brexit negotiations with the European Union.

“The Government intends to proceed with the meaningful vote as soon as the Prime Minister is able to return to this Place” – Deputy Prime Minister David Lidington

Then, just as it seemed that the fabric of British society would rupture notwithstanding the desires of the Queen, the people were united by the empathy engendered by the release of the paperback of an astonishing new memoir on 22nd January…

Unflinching, mate.
“Are you sure that every word in this Year in Review is true?”

February

As the search for the Mays continued, questions began to be asked about the costs that were being incurred. Secretary of State for Scotland David Mundell indicated that he would resign if the costs of the rescue operation exceeded £30,000.

When it was pointed out that Mundell had previously backtracked on promises to resign relating to Brexit outcomes for the Common Fisheries Policy and differentiation for Northern Ireland, he upped the ante considerably.

The Viceroy speaks
“Let me be absolutely clear: In the event I don’t resign, I’ll resign.”

March

As Brexit-related turmoil continued, Gatwick Airport entered its fourth month of flight cancellation. After police had announced in December that the drone that had caused 140,000 passengers to be stranded at the airport simultaneously:

  • had been discovered; and
  • had never existed

it emerged that Gatwick itself had never existed. The so-called airport was merely a hoax conjured by mentalist and illusionist Derren Brown. Each of the 140,000 stranded “passengers” was in fact a paid actor. Brown himself had travelled in time to turn-of-the-century Ohio to deliver the plans for powered flight to the Wright brothers, Orville and Wilbur.

Derren Brown and Wilbur Wright, 1903

Meanwhile, popular favourite David Lidington returned to the House of Commons to update the country on the status of Brexit.

Go on then, you draw David Lidington from memory.
“We must honour the PM by effecting the moment of her greatest triumph on 29 March, 2019”

To be continued…

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Tour de France

For some reason, I was thinking the other day that I’ve “only” ever been to France once.

Because we're, like, super conpetemt.
“Hey, look! They’ve got the same editorial team as BBC News!

And I was thinking, maybe I should try to fix that while I still can.

[My whimsy’s just about been extinguished, tbh. Find the last of it in the Apoplexy Tiny Letter] Continue reading Tour de France

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Modus Operandi

So, the last post here on apoplectic.me cast a pretty sneering eye over Public Health England’s Heart Age Calculator. And if you think that an eye can’t sneer, welcome to the stroke blog.

Nah, the boy did ok.
‘Aren’t you a bit young for this, sonny?’

That’s pretty much the modus operandi around here – bitter cynicism leavened with fun. Skip down to the bottom of this post if you just want to hear some of the best Scottish pop ever.

But it turns out that this time, I wasn’t alone in my cynicism.

[Maybe there’s actual upbeat stuff in the Apoplexy Tiny Letter – check it out] Continue reading Modus Operandi

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Beautiful Losers

Week Three of the World Cup has come to an end. And what a [🚨 CLICHÉ KLAXON!!! 🚨] Feast Of Football it’s been. Notwithstanding that Brazil continue to elicit roughly the same amount of sympathy as their 1994 World Cup-winning edition of vicious bores, rather than 1982’s beautiful losers.

[Feeling bereft as the games begin to dry up? Pass the time with the Apoplexy Newsletter.] Continue reading Beautiful Losers

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Digesta Plaga #11

Hooray! It’s the long-anticipated return of the stroke news digest!

"When Wall Street took that tail spin, you had to stand in line to get a window to jump out of!"
Hold on – wasn’t that for Stroke Bloke leaving New York?

There have been some interesting stroke stories in the news this week, and I’d like to share them with you…

[Read on, and don’t forget to check out the Apoplexy Newsletter.] Continue reading Digesta Plaga #11

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Prime Time

1.  PRIME

I’ve been thinking a lot about Muriel Spark this week. More specifically, a Miss Jean Brodie in her prime.

So much for the creme de la creme!
I think that you’ll find I’m *currently* in my prime, Mr Stroke Bloke. Five points from Ravenclaw!

[Want to know what song to listen to while reading this week’s post?
Check out the Apoplexy Tiny Letter.
] Continue reading Prime Time

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Royal Wedding Fever!!!

Do you:

  • Have trouble focussing?
  • Babble nonsensically?
  • Obsess over bunting?

If so, you might have ROYAL WEDDING FEVER!!!

Watch out for the GOOP!
Ordinary working person experiences Royal Wedding Fever

[What can you do if you experience Royal Wedding Fever?
Sign up for the Apoplexy Tiny Letter and read on…
] Continue reading Royal Wedding Fever!!!

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Monster

I feel like I miss the Thanksgiving buffer that stops the Christmas bandwagon from building up speed too early. But then, Britain isn’t exactly short of pre-Christmas high days and holy days around this time of year.

Strictly's gone a bit dark
BBC’s Gunpowder: *This* is what happens to people who don’t have fun on Bonfire Night!

As well as Guy Fawkes Night, there’s Black Friday (without all the tedious mindfulness suggested by Thanksgiving), Saint Andrew’s Day, and PEN International’s Day of The Imprisoned Writer.

[Give yourself a festive treat and check out the Apoplexy Tiny Letter]
Continue reading Monster

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